So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
