Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
