mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I looked at my own cervix.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
