Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
