i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
