you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
