She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Randomize
