My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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