Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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