I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
