The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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