Barsexuality is the new black.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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