I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
