what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
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