Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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