At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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