You just made me feel so damn special
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
