My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Randomize
