I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
