Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
