weddingsv make me drug and hornr
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
