Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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