did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
