Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
she told me i tasted like america
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
