Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
