It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
He kissed a someone with a penis
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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