yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
