Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
