That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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