I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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