he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
