I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
