Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
