My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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