He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
