my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
