So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
