I think i peed on brittanys purse
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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