my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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