I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
