Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
