how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
