a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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