theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
