Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
