Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
