I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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