i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
