Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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