I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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